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Are liberals butt ugly or what?

July 18, 2009

Call me crazy, call me cruel, call me shallow, it doesn’t matter. I see what I see, and pictures don’t lie: liberals tend to be ugly. Yes, I mean physically ugly. For once we aren’t discussing their inner ugliness.

One can’t help wondering if there are reasons. Maybe the bitterness, virulent hatred, systematic divisiveness, and fundamental dishonesty of leftwing philosophy manifest themselves in a flesh-scarring, vitality-sapping, feature-twisting ruination of one’s looks. I don’t know, that’s just a guess.

All I know is that in disputes between liberals and regular people, you can usually tell the two sides apart without hearing one word they say—the liberal is the butt-ugly one.

In old cowboy movies Hollywood helpfully put the bad guy in a black hat and the good guy in a white hat, which led to terminology still in use today: “He’s wearing the white hat in this dispute!” But most real people don’t wear cowboy hats, doggone it, especially in congress or on television news shows or any of the other places it would be handy (like family reunions and Methodist churches).

So it’s confusing sometimes picking out the good guy when there’s a dispute. Lucky for us that ugliness takes the place of the black hat, eh?

I’ve been noticing what will henceforth be called the Beauties Up-against Toads Tendency—or BUTT—for years, but the contrast between liberals and the rest of us was highlighted in the Miss USA controversy when gay gadfly Perez Hilton attacked Miss California 2009, Carrie Prejean. I mean, seriously, did we need to hear the issues involved to know who was right? Look at them! He has blue hair and a face that looks like he’s aging in dog years. She looks... perfect.

So no big surprise when she spoke with intelligence and conviction, praised the Lord, and stood by her principles, whereas his big intellectual point was to call her a “dumb bitch.” What did you expect from an ugly guy with blue hair? Poetry?

These BUTT-centric political differences occur constantly. You can watch C-SPAN with the sound turned off and tell who is the liberal and who is not.

Take the cap ‘n’ trade bill, for instance. Congressman Henry Waxman was the champion of this socialist boondoggle, and Joe Barton was the ranking Republican on his committee. Look at them. Joe Barton isn’t exceptional, but he’s not ugly, either. Waxman... well, if you want to be polite you could say he’s the opposite of pretty.

Hell, he looks like an extraterrestrial. Let’s just say it.

Want some more comparisons of opposing politicians?

Look at the recent Minnesota senate election stolen by Al Franken. His Republican opponent, Norm Coleman, is no Cary Grant but, next to Franken, he’s cover-of-GQ material.

Franken might be ugly, but by golly people like him... almost half, judging by the original pre-recount vote tally.

As long as we're talking about Beauty and the Beast in politics, last year we had two women making historic runs at the White House.

One of them was a beautiful conservative governor who fired people up every time she gave a speech and still draws huge crowds everywhere she goes because of her personal magnetism. The other one was Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton took what some people called an insurmountable lead in the race for the Democrat Party nomination and lost it in the first caucus. She lost it because she lacks magnetism, sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West when she gives a speech, and when she gets emotional she screws her face up like Adolf Hitler playing the violin. Liberalism seems to be pure poison on a person's looks.

Two more politicians: Barney Frank, that nasty piece of human filth who sold his country down the drain with his politically-motivated oversight of Fannnie Mae and Freddie Mac, compared to the ranking Republican on Frank’s House Committee on Financial Services, Spencer Bachus. Which one do you want reproducing and passing on his chromosomes?

(Don’t worry, only one of them has the urge.)

Enough about politicians—my stomach is starting to turn. How about another field, journalism?

It’s probably not fair to compare columnists Helen Thomas and Michelle Malkin because of the age difference, but let’s get real: Michelle Malkin is hot and you can tell Helen Thomas was never hot. Never. But in the interest of fairness, I promise to limit future comparisons to people in the same general age group.

And same species.

Let’s be clear, though: Michelle Malkin is not just better looking than Helen Thomas, she’s smarter, too. I think the score is three bestsellers to zero. That said, how about…

…two actors, Alec Baldwin and Tom Selleck? They’re close in age, they’re both outspoken about their political beliefs, and they both started out as good-looking heartthrobs. Now, Selleck is still a good-looking heartthrob whereas Baldwin is a grouchy old fat man who verbally abuses his own children. As usual, you can (literally) see the difference between the liberal and the conservative. (In Baldwin's case, you can hear the difference, too.)

What do you suppose it is? Is it a general lack of self-discipline that leads to liberal thinking and physical decrepitude? Or are people just born ugly which makes them bitter and angry, and consequently they turn into liberals?

I don't know. It's like the chicken and the egg.

Speaking of actors, how about Barbara Streisand and Bo Derek, two Hollywood females who aren’t shy about expressing political beliefs?

Maybe it’s all about lack of make-up in Steisand’s picture (see how fair I am?) but what words come to your mind when you look at her? “Vacuous,” “puzzled,” “unhappy,” and “mean-spirited bitch?” Me, too.

Now look at Bo Derek. The words that come to my mind are “sharp,” “alert,” and “she’s still got it.”

Moving from film actors to film makers, look at politically-opposite documentary makers Michael Moore and Ben Stein. ‘Nuf said, right? Is there any point to critiquing looks when it comes to Michael Moore?

Truth is, I’m afraid to describe the guy frankly. If he gets angry, he might eat me.

Okay, let’s shine our BUTT light on the academic world. (Finally, some words that might inspire Perez Hilton to consider higher education.)

Mike Adams is my favorite professor because he writes opinion columns which expose the evils and hypocrisies of political correctness on college campuses. Ward Churchill, on the other hand, is the very epitome of evil and hypocrisy on a college campus. He’s a liberal, and you can tell by looking at him, can’t you?

C’mon, even if you’re a liberal yourself, admit it—the BUTT works.

No if’s, and’s, or…

It doesn’t matter whether people are rich or poor, if they are consumed by leftie-ism they end up ugly, sooner or later.

All the money in the world (and he has a good portion of it) can’t fix Bill Gates at this point. Conservative Christian rich man Howard Ahmanson, on the other hand, looks pretty good in spite of lifelong health problems.

Power doesn't matter either. People are either hardcore liberals and butt-ugly, or they're not.

Janet Reno was the top law enforcement office in the nation and her face exemplifies BUTT.

Condoleeza Rice, on the other hand, was the most powerful intelligence officer in the nation and she was attractive. Then she became Secretary of State and was still attractive. I'm guessing she could be the county dogcatcher and be attractive.

I know this sounds awfully kindergarten-like. "Hey, you guys are ugly!" And I'm not saying that all liberals are ugly. Most people are just regular people, and not consumed with leftwing philosophy enough to let it poison them physically. There are plenty of good-looking dumm—er, Democrats in the world.

All I'm trying to say is: so many examples can't be coincidence. Something systematic is going on. Whether being liberal is the cause or the effect, way too many of them are ugly.

On the bright side, it's nice to know we can still tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of their hats.

I'll end this with a few more pictures—a rogues gallery of well-known currently-in-the-news liberal uglies. Hopefully you weren't planning to eat soon.

From Reno, Nevada, USA

January 26, 2014 - Hello, I was wondering if it would be possible to suggest a link for your website at Our site Frixo is a road travel reporting website that provides our users with the most up-to-date road traffic information. Our data is updated every 5 minutes using sensors placed on motorways and common A / B roads. I feel it might be a useful resource for your readers. Many thanks for your consideration. Kind Regards, – Oliver, Czech Republic

J.P. replies: Oliver, I'm not sure how traffic reports are relevant to a column about butt ugly liberals. Are you suggesting they're so ugly they stop traffic?

March 21, 2013 - We have to wonder, though. Did their liberalism make them ugly? Or did their ugliness cause such problems in their life that it scarred them, and made them want to take out their misery on others? – TheFlashingScotsman, California

June 9, 2010 - Oddly enough, I used to think about this back when Hannity kept Colmes around. – Justin, D.C.

July 19, 2009 - I hate to tell you this, Dad, but people used to tell me you looked like Kerry. – C.L., Michigan

July 18, 2009 - You are too funny! And... I love it! – Star, Tennessee

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