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Uncle Osama wants you!

December 30, 2009

The older I get, the more it feels like nothing makes sense. Take the Christmas-day terrorism attempt on Northwest/Delta Flight 253, for instance.

Why Detroit?

Have you seen Detroit? If an airliner crash-landed in that city, they’d call it neighborhood improvement. Entire sections of the city are abandoned and decrepit—cart-wheeling, disintegrating, flaming balls of passenger-jet pieces are just what they need. Those flaming balls could safely raze a few square miles without harming a soul as long as they missed Tiger Stadium, The Renaissance Center, and Greektown. Everything else is deserted. With insurance payoffs and federal emergency aid, the city would probably come out ahead.

Okay, yeah, sure, it might be tough on the plane's passengers...

After Hurricane Katrina, a Detroit pastor rounded up some volunteers from his church and headed to New Orleans, intent upon Christian charity and, when the bus stopped and the volunteers trooped off, the Detroiters looked around at the devastated landscape and said, “Damn, this isn’t bad—let's stay.” That’s what I mean about Detroit.

So what terrorist mastermind in Yemen decided to aim a suicide bomber at Detroit? Abdul bin Moron?

Effortlessly matching the terrorists’ intelligence level, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano quickly announced (Sunday) that “the system worked”, followed (Monday morning) by “okay, the system didn’t work at all”, while issuing new rules to make sure that passengers are belted and confined to their seats on flights over U.S. soil.

But hang on: wasn’t it a passenger who saved the day Friday, by jumping over two rows of seats to subdue the bomber? So our goal is to put the heroes into bondage, thereby improving the terrorists’ chances next time?

I could cut out half my brain and still make more sense than Janet Napolitano. In fact, listening to her talk about “man-caused disasters” and explain that crossing the border illegally is not a crime makes me wish somebody would cut out half my brain—preferably the half that allows me to hear Janet Napolitano.

How is that we made a dopey career politician with absolutely no international or anti-terrorism experience the nation’s top anti-terrorism official? Did everybody else say no?

On the positive side, it’s cheering to imagine what this fiasco will do to Al-Qaeda recruiting efforts. Think about it: how do you get young men to join the suicide bomber platoon after this public relations boo-boo?
“Glory will be yours, my son! And 72 virgins! All you have to do is start a fire between your legs and burn off your manhood while your plane is landing in Detroit!”

“Yeah, gee, that sounds great Mr. bin Laden but I think I’ll pass. Do you have any jobs delivering Afghan heroin to New York or Miami? That's what I would prefer.”

“Did I mention that the last boy actually lived?”

“Hmm, no disrespect Mr. bin Laden but living in a U.S. federal prison as a eunuch doesn’t sound like paradise.”

“How about if we double the number of virgins?”

From Reno, Nevada, USA

December 30, 2009 - Brilliant, funny and so true. You nailed it usual. - Boomer Pie, Florida
J.P. replies: Gee, even my mom isn't that complimentary. Clearly, you are very wise.

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