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November 25, 2009

It’s Thanksgiving week and everybody is full of sappy comments about all the stuff they’re thankful for—I mean, for which they‘re thankful.

Which reminds me: I’m thankful Mrs. Wanderscheid taught me proper English thirty seven years ago, some of which I actually remember. She taught my two brothers and my sister before she got to me and didn’t hold any of that against me, which is another reason to be thankful.

Yeah, that’s right, I can show gratitude just like anybody else. Conservatives are humans, too.

For instance, I’m thankful that I’m not a liberal weenie Democrat because I know it must be a burden right now trying to make excuses for what’s happening in Washington, D.C.

See what I mean? I’m all about the gratitude and the proper spirit of Thanksgiving.

I’m thankful that I’m not Barney Frank, that’s for sure. Not just because everybody keeps pointing the finger at him for causing the financial crisis. For other reasons, too. He’s had one lover who ran a prostitution ring out of Barney’s home and another lover who was arrested in the middle of the night for being a drug dealer—yes, Barney was present and in bed with the guy—so Barney must live in constant terror of hearing another knock on his door. He probably wakes up shouting, “I’m a congrethman! I’m a congrethman! You can’t arretht me!”

And what about Al Gore? I’m thankful not to be him, too. The global warming scam is imploding, with climate numbers stubbornly showing the world is cooling and stolen emails from the East Anglia University Climate Research Unit proving that the science behind “anthropogenic global warming” has been fraudulent from the beginning. Imagine being Al Gore and having your future billionaire plans disintegrating and your Nobel Peace Prize suddenly a symbol of shame. Imagine. Poor guy. I weep for him.

Speaking of Nobel Peace Prizes, I’m thankful that we have a president who can handle the cognitive dissonance of being a Peace Prize winner at the same time he’s sending additional troops into Afghanistan to prosecute war. That’s a difficult contradiction to process but our president made the tough decision without hesitation… wait a minute—he didn’t make that decision yet? He’s still waffling after ten months in office? His commanding general in Afghanistan asked for more troops three months ago and hasn’t even gotten an answer?

Never mind on that one then.

Regarding President Obama, maybe he’ll get through the Thanksgiving weekend without bowing to anybody and I can be thankful for that.

I’m thankful that I live in a nation that does not have socialized medicine and have therefore been spared the ignominious shame of having to beg government bureaucrats for medical care like they do in Canada, Britain, France, etc. However, while recognizing that the United States has the best healthcare in the world, I am not completely close-minded about a government takeover. I’m guessing the bureaucrats will be great at colonoscopies. It’ll be like ducks to water.

Hmm, let’s see… well, I’m thankful I’m not Perez Hilton. For obvious reasons. I may not be the most likeable guy in the world but at least my mother is fond of me and a couple of dogs have been friendly over the years.

I’m thankful that the cat is out of the bag with ACORN. Those dirty little weasels have been stealing elections and threatening honest Americans for years and it’s nice to see their nasty, filthy, putrid hearts exposed to the wooden stake of justice—if I may wax New Moon poetic for a second. I’m especially thankful that it was the “new media” of the Internet that finally exposed them.

Which reminds me: I’m thankful that nobody is buying The New York Times anymore and the company is going bankrupt. They killed a big story on ACORN last year because they were afraid the truth would hurt Barack Obama’s presidential campaign. Dishonest newspapers deserve to go bankrupt. In a fair world all dishonest newspapers would go belly up, Katie Couric would be handing out shoes at a bowling alley, and Air America would disappear.

I know, I know, it seems like Air America already did disappear but they’re actually still around. They have three listeners in San Francisco, two in New York, and one in Tennessee: guess who. (Hint: he fondles his Peace Prize medal and daydreams about inventing the Internet while he listens.)

So many things to be thankful for—er, things for which to be thankful. (She made us diagram sentences for weeks. Nowadays, if a kid can spell “cat” and tie his shoes they give him a high school diploma.)

I’m thankful for the Red Chinese who keep loaning money to the U.S. government so the U.S government can keep sending social security checks to my parents. Never mind about me—I know I won’t collect a dime because social security is a Ponzi scheme but I sure would like it to last long enough to fulfill my parents’ needs.

I don’t know why the Red Chinese keep loaning money to the U.S. government. It seems kind of stupid since they’re loaning money to an entity which is mammothly irresponsible and mathematically insolvent but, hey, nobody ever said communists are smart. They pretty much went zero for the 20th century in the political philosophy wars and never wised up enough to switch teams, so stupid must be their natural state.

While we’re on the subject, we should all be thankful that communists are stupid. If Van Jones hadn’t been dumb enough to sign a petition supporting the whack job notion that the United States was responsible for 9/11, he’d still be working in the White House and foisting dumb ideas on us. Call me crazy, but I think a nutcase communist leaving the White House is legitimate grounds for thanking God.

Which is why I eagerly anticipate January 20, 2013.

From Reno, Nevada, USA

November 29, 2009 - I agree, Samantha. Egads, what a grump! - Glenda, Reno
J.P. replies: "Grumpy" used to be my nickname, but I've mellowed. Makes you wonder what I was like before, eh?

November 28, 2009 - Happy Thanksgiving you old grump! Casey and I are thankful we're not as grumpy as you. - Samantha, Grand Rapids, Michigan
J.P. replies: Grumpy? You call THAT grumpy? You should see me when Obama is on television reading from his teleprompter.

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